Valentine's, Galentine's, Ray Allentine's day

The more you know about the real St. Valentine, the more you recognize the absurdity of Valentine's day. That's why I advocate celebrating alternate holidays that rhyme with Valentine's day. That way it's not making a mockery out of a great Saint and a heroic martyr for the Christian faith. I'm an especially big fan of Ray Allentine's day and Erie canalentine's day. Let me tell you why.

come back to Boston

St. Valentine lived in Rome during the 200s, in the middle of the worst persecution Christians have ever experienced. The Roman emperor Claudius Gothicus hated Christians. Among other things, he also hated it when soldiers were married. Since he was obsessed with military power, as emperors tend to be, he did not want any of his soldiers distracted by having a wife and kids to worry about. Therefore, he outlawed young men from getting married. Crazy guy.

St. Valentine, on the other hand, was really into marriage. He wanted young Christians to get married and live long, productive lives full of love. He was a priest, which meant that he had the power to marry people in the Church, even if the state forbade it. This is exactly what he did, but he had to do the marriages in secret. That is to say, in Vegas.

The man himself

Eventually, Valentine got caught and sent to jail. This could not get him down though, as he kept doing cool stuff. For example, the man who guarded him had a blind daughter. St. Valentine miraculously healed the man's daughter and, in the process, converted the man who was guarding him to Christianity. Finally, St. Valentine was condemned to execution. Not a one-part execution, not even a two-part execution, but a THREE-PART execution. A beating, and then a stoning, and then decapitation. That is literally overkill.

Hide your daughters

St. Valentine went to death for what he believed. He went to death for love. Love of God and also love between human beings. He was killed for loving Jesus and also for affirming the love between people. In fact, St. Valentine models the kind of love that is not celebrated on Valentine's day. He had the stick to it kind of love, he had commitment, he was absolutely not messing around. This is really what Christian marriage is supposed to be. We say "until death do us part" for a reason. Can you imagine seeing "until death do us part" on a Valentine's day card?

I don't want to beat the stuffing out of a big, soft, plush teddy bear of an easy target. Everyone knows Valentine's day is just shallow fun. But it is also an opportunity to think about the real deal. Being in love has its share of fun and romance, but it is not real without pain and sacrifice. Alright, enough ranting, now for the greatest pun, describing my attitude toward the red heart and teddy bear festivities........ Ambivalentine. bah humbug.

This week's drink exposes me for the bitter, fun-sucking, old man that I am.

PBR

Open a can of PBR. Drink it. Do not pour it in a glass, that is pure sentimentality.